When Helping Hurts

IMG_1133Even with a fully developed frontal lobe, sometimes I can’t explain why I’ve done what I’ve done.
I have a friend who’s an addict. She drinks hard liquor. Mass consumption. And its impact on her life is as devastating as a spring tornado moving through Oklahoma.

She called me about 9:00 on a Thursday night.
“Could I get a ride to the store?,” she asked.
Not long before, she’d crashed her car under the influence so I knew she was minus a set of wheels and I’m a night owl anyway.
“Sure,” I replied. “Be there in 10 minutes.”

I’m softer than a stuffed Teddy and it gets me into trouble sometimes. This was one of those times….

I thought I had the information I needed, but I was wrong. I thought we’d agreed on a plan, but she was setting me up. I bought the bait and swallowed it hook, line and sinker. By the time I dropped her back off at her apartment, she had secured enough liquor to drink herself unconscious and I found myself taking a long look in the rearview mirror reflecting on my mistakes. Here’s what I saw through the lens of retrospect.

IT’S IMPORTANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO CLUES THAT SOMETHING IS AMISS.
I’m a tee tottler. The bottle’s caused so much devastation in my family tree, drinking’s a gamble I’m not willing to take. And since I don’t typically mingle alongside the inebriated, I’m somewhat naive, but it shouldn’t take a super sleuth to note these clues:
• An unusual request
• Uninhibited story telling
• Slow or slurred speech
• An unsteady gait
• Trouble buckling a seat belt
• Glassy Eyes
• Excessive Tears

SOMETIMES HELPING ACTUALLY HURTS. Compassion does not equal competence in complex psychological and physiological issues. related to addiction and mental health. Simplistic optimism can ultimately cause harm.

LOVE MUST BE TOUGH: Remember parenting toddlers? Their inhibitory control mehanisms are immature which results in high levels of chaos. They feel safest and healthiest with consistent, reliabile, boundaries. Same is true with addicts. While “love hopes all things” futuristically, love must also be realistic in the present, assume that patterns will likely repeat themselves with addiction and set up sound border protection.

IT TAKES A COMMUNICATING VILLAGE: The support team, which often consists of family members, close friends, counselors and justice system representatives, should be communicating. Protecting privacy is secondary to working together off the same playbook in order to provide consistent care.

ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES AND SOMETIMES THEY EFFECT INNOCENT PEOPLE. That fresh new bottle of hard liquor wrapped inside a paper bag was enough to drink herself into a oblivion or to put her at risk of going out on the road and crashing into an innocent person or family. Thankfully on my watch she did the prior, but last month, it was a car wreck minus a fatality.

I messed up big time and gave myself a well deserved proverbial spanking. Here’s the thing though, when we try to love and serve the people God puts in our lives, we’re bound to have some oopsies. The good news is that God can redeem anything, salvaging and repurposing it according to His will.

GOD CAN ACCOMPLISH GOOD EVEN AMIDST OUR MISTAKES.
• While I blew it, no one was injured.
• With her inhibitions compromised, I got to hear more of her story and that helps me to understanding her pain better.
• The Holy Spirit provided words, just as He promises and I spoke truth and love into her self-loathing like an oasis in the desert.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF PRAYER: God loves, cares, hears, intervenes and responds. While prayer isn’t a mathematical equation and answers aren’t dispensed like a vending machine, I know that God can and does deliver us from any and every kind of bondage according to His will when we ask.

So, my text to her after I get home goes like this:
“The Lord is a very present help in trouble…. Know that I love you and I’m praying for you. And, I won’t ever resource you to buy alcohol again.”

When she gets past her hangover, she responds “Thank You”. And I know she’s grateful for all of it—the love, the prayer and the line in the sand.
The beautiful thing is that every day, on repeat, God offers you, me, her, His mercies. They’re never day old and you can’t preplan them in advance for tomorrow, but there’s plenty for today, fresh and new. Always enough.

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